Random Arguments with a Toddler

Here is this week’s Random Arguments with a Toddler: 

“So, what do you want to eat? Do you want a burrito or a taco?” said I waiting to order our food.

“I want a burrito,” said Tiny Face sitting in the back of the truck.

“Okay then I will get you a burrito,” I replied.

“Annnd, I want a blue drink,” said Tiny Face. A gleeful look of excitement pressed evenly across his face.

“What blue drink?” I asked expecting a clear answer but really hoping for just a simple clue to drink brand, type, or name.

“You know the blue drink, I want a blue drink,” Tiny Face answered now more stern rather than excited. His brow furrowed slightly as if I was the three year old and he was the adult who should know everything ever.

“Stinky, I don’t know what the blue drink is. What blue drink and what is its name?” I asked.

“The blue drink right there,” he said pointing out the side window.

I turned and looked but saw no blue drink, just the sign listing this month’s promotional menu items. “Um, I don’t think they have a blue drink here.”

His small mouth turned downward making a very definitive frown. He squinted his eyes at me to show that he was angry with me. He growled a little in the back of his throat before he spoke, “THEY DO, THEY HAVE THE BLUE DRINK, I WANT THE BLUE DRINK!”

“TINY FACE! There is no need to yell, I am just telling you I don’t see a blue drink and I don’t think they have a blue drink,” I explained holding back frustration. The car in front of us drove past the speaker on the menu. I turned away from the child and proceeded to pull forward.

“Hi, what would you like today?” said the voice from the speaker box.

“Hi, can I have three burritos and three tacos…”

“I WANT A BLUE DRINK!”

“I’m sorry, I did not hear that. What would you like again?” asked the speaker box voice.

“Tiny Face SHHHHH,” I pleaded. “Sorry, sorry I would like three burritos and three tacos please.”

“Uncle Jeff, blue drink, blue drink, blue drink!” said Tiny Face in a very big voice. The words BLUE DRINK continued until I had confirmed our order and driven past the speaker. The continued echoes I’m sure were being heard several cars away. I expected a pedestrian to walk up and tell me to just get a damn blue drink already.

“Stinky, I told you there is no blue drink. I got you a milk is that okay?” I asked knowing full well it was not going to be okay.

     “FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!” repeated the Tiny Face. His hand jutted forward with on finger pointed at my face. His skill was impressive but luckily he does not know magic. Should he have the gift I am sure my ashes would have been long strew across an empty parking lot by now.

       I acted quickly to try and rally my nerves and keep the child entertained enough to forget the blue drink. I looked back across the seat into his tiny eyes and said, “WATER! WATER! WATER!” Again, it was good that neither of us know magic or there would be one less fast food restaurant and a huge spike in the Ark market. It was on, on like a donkey named Kong.

“DINOSAUR!”

“COW!”

“PICKLE!”

“SANDWICH!”

“LIGHTING BLOT!”

“Blocked! Your socks are now chickens.”

“My socks are chickens?” he questioned in amazement. “The car is a chicken!”

“Oh NO, we’re driving a giant chicken! AHHHHH, CHICKENS!” I yelled imagining the horrible mess it would have been to be inside a giant chicken.

“Ha ha ha, you’re funny. That’s funny,” he said with a smile returning to his tiny face.

“Excused me, um here is your food,” a voice next to me said.

“Oh, thanks. Here is your money.”

“Uncle Jeff, blue drink please,” said Tiny Face.

“I told you they don’t have a blue drink…”

“Yes we do, it is right here,” said the employee while handing me our food. “Would you like to add one to your order?”

“YAY!” came a joyous high pitched voice.

         I had been defeated.  My argument flayed out before me like so much sand in a wind storm. How the Tiny Face had known about the drink or even had remembered which restaurant it was located was astounding. He had known all along that they had a blue drink. He could not name it or even really describe it, yet he had known.

“Gods dammit,” I said into the vast logic of my mind. “Okay, go ahead and add it please.”

“YAY!”

      The employee handed over what looked like a heavily sugared ICEE. I could smell the future 10 minutes from now wafting off the concoction. High pitched screaming blurring through rooms. Heavy hastened footfalls leaving flame trails as if they had just hit 88 miles per hour. It would be madness, chaotic madness. But wait, I was not the child’s parent. I am the Uncle. I could easily make an escape downstairs after handing off the food and child to his parents.

“MUAHAHAHA!” I thought as I paid for the food and the drink. “Here you go Tiny, enjoy.” 

“YAY!” he said.

“Who is the best Uncle in the whole world?” I asked.

“UNCLE JEFF!”

Yay, that’s how you win an argument with a toddler. Sugar them up, and hand them back to their parents.