As I write this I am sick and have been sick for the past three days. In the time that I have lived in my current residence I have been sick on and off almost every other week. The sickness spans the map from runny nose to don’t go into the bathroom right now. I have been to the doc as many times as I need to and in most cases I am told it is just a cold or a bug. After this last sickness I have come to a dramatic conclusion; tiny faces are also tiny biological weapons factories. Any parent at this point would comment on how this is a known fact. I however see a more devious design in the works. Let me take you on a semi-science faulty logic understanding of why kids get you sick. Take some time now to get a pen and paper because you are going to want to take notes. Okay, got your pen? Got your paper? Good, good now on to a wonderful journey of discovery and understanding.
So, kids get sick all the time. This I feel is due to the concept of shared spaces. Kids share the space of everyone around them. They cling and are carried. They are cleaned, and they are wiped. All the time sharing the spaces of every adult around them. Add to this the shared space of other kids if they have siblings or if they attend daycare or school. Everywhere they go, every place they are is shared with other beings. Now take that tiny face and give them a simple cold. That cold now goes with them into every instance of shared space. The germs that are causing the cold have been given a free pass to ride a fleshy monorail. They are carried over on the good ship gooey snot. They take their first steps in slow motion on the crater laden faces of teenage babysitters and siblings. They register their entry at the Elis Island of adult hands patting on backs and holding tissues. All the while the tiny faces continue to feel sick and literally make those around them sick. It is a vicious cycle of renew, rinse, and repeat. Though anyone would say it is just the order or things, or it is just nature. I say, “oh hell no!”
To me I see a master plan of command and conquer going on. Think about it. What does a tiny face require? They need someone to provide them with food. They need someone to give them a warm place to sleep. They need someone to bend to every whine and request because their tiny forms are unable to reach things high on the counter. They need someone to pay for things like juice or cookies. They just need someone to tell them they are the best and the cutest kid in the whole world. They just need a larger set of hands and feet to get them what they want. Here is the connection, how best to tame and control a larger member of the species then to weaken them with biological warfare? Think of it in relative terms of survival. A pony is born and within a few minutes after it stands up and starts to walk. A human child slides out and has to be made aware that breathing now requires effort. A baby shark emerges from the purse swims off and begins to seek out food. A human child is born and then has to be held in place to suckle at its mother’s breast. A baby spider is born with the knowledge of how to build a web to catch food. They also eat their mothers. A newborn human child is not even able to tie their own shoes let alone catch anything. Seriously, how have we become the dominant species on the plant? After this sickness I feel that I have an answer. Children intentionally get sick so that they can get us sick so that we are unable as adults to deny them their survival. It is a true master work of evolution and genius. We get sick because they are sick and end up saying it is nothing more than them building immunities. I blame science for not seeing this sooner.
The shear mastery of the plan these germ factories have come up with is astounding. We are adult and we know best. We tell them this on a daily basis. They try to touch a hot stove we remind them it is hot and we know better. They say they only want to eat candy and we make them eat something else because we know better. We even tuck them in at night saying they need sleep. Then we go back to watching TV because we want alone time and of course we know better. So, in an effort to subjugate the subjugators they bring us down to their level with a simple sneeze. All of a sudden we are on our knees with a tissue and a thermometer. That is when they have us right where they want us. We tend to every whim they have because they are sick. That is a good thing because they are kids and we need to take care of them. If your kid is sick and you push them aside for a football game then you and I need to have a face to face conversation. The point I am making is that it is not their sickness that breaks us, it is when we get sick that they have us.
We get sick and they get better. They know this is what will happen and so it is okay. The problem is that when we are sick, like them, we whim and moan about being sick. Kids know that when Mom and Dad are like this they will not be able to say no for very long. We may get frustrated or we may yell but we always give in because we just want to rest. They ask us for some food and we give it to them. They want something else to eat and we give it to them. They just want some chocolate milk and candy so we give it to them. All the while we are buried in snot rags and dirty diapers. The kid pushes and pushes just enough to make sure that Mom and/or Dad will give in, never enough to really get them upset. But they do enough to make sure that we stay sick as long as they need us to be sick. It is a maddening endeavor for both parties but only works out for one in the end. The germ factories keep making germs so that they can wear us down to survive. Oh, I am sure that parents out there are saying, “No it is about caring for your kids, and loving, and stuff.” Fair enough I love kids and I am sure that you do as well. The question is how many times in the last year did you get sick? How many of those times were your kids first? And how many times during that sickness did you give in and let the tiny faces run rampant across the homestead like they owned the place? If I had to guess I would say that your answers are lots, yes, and all the time. AH HA! You see the tiny faces are using germ warfare to keep up down so that they can survive this harsh world. Nature planned this they just enact it. It’s a mad world, a mad, mad world.
In all honesty I am sick because the tiny faces in the house are sick. It is a way of life for parents and adults that tend to the livelihoods of kids. Talk to any daycare worker and they will confirm that they get sick all the time because of the kids. I worked in childcare for close to elven years and told every employee I managed to expect to be sick for the first month you work here. It is honestly a way of life. We as adult try out best not to get kids sick. They are tiny and do not deal well with being sick. Not to say that as large adults we do any better, but it is a close second at times. It is funny that we go out of our ways to not get kids sick, but they do everything they can to whip all the boogers on us. A runny nose is a reason to wear a green shirt when it comes to sick kids and their parental care takers. We get sick, we deal, and we make sure not to cough into the shoulder that is burping the baby. It is a way of life. Though I am pretty sure it is more of a master plan. An evil, evil master plan.
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