Screwdrivers and their use on the removal of bellybuttons...

Over the years I have either been a part of or been in proximity to conversations with kids. The conversations themselves run a wide gambit of topics such as dirty diapers or cleaning a room. Conversations on why candy cannot be had after breakfast. Interjections of how it is not practical to stand on a chair. Quips over thoughts on what color dinosaurs are and why they are trying to eat us. Both compliments and complaints for which ever food dish is sitting on the table at that moment. Conversations of any type, topic, or length. Talking with your kids, and to kid in general, is something of great importance. Talking to a baby in baby talk does not really help them learn how to properly say widdle, I mean little. 

The point is talking to kids helps them learn how to speak. Helps them to decipher understanding and reasoning. Helps them know that there is a difference between a question and an argument (the difference is not the use of a question mark). Point for point talk to your kids. But what things were we told as kids that somehow have worked into the conversations we are having with children now? An example of this something my grandfather, Dr. David K. Spindle M.D., used to say to me. 

“Jeff, if you don’t behave I am going to go get my screwdriver. Then I am going to unscrew your bellybutton and make your legs fall off.” 

Now from a medical standpoint any layman knows that the bellybutton has nothing to do with how your legs are attached to your body.  We know that the leg is broken into five parts; upper leg, knee, lower leg, ankle, and foot. None of which are directly linked to the bellybutton. The legs themselves stretch from the hip which connects below the abdomen. There is a whole section of the body between where your legs and your bellybutton exist. The flesh of the legs does stretch into the skin of the abdomen but only by passing through the groin and pelvic areas. 

The bellybutton is the keepsake we take with us from birth. It is the location of the umbilical cord, which was used to feed us in utero. The belly button forms after the umbilical cord is cut. Some of us have inward developed bellybuttons, or inies. Others have outward developed bellybuttons, or outies. Neither part of the body has to do with the other except for that period of time we developed in utero. Also as there is nothing for the screwdriver to take hold of other than naked flesh the use of such a device would be ineffective in the removal of a leg.

It is far too small and at times not pointy enough to get the job. Unless of course you are very, very small and your attacker is the size of a large townhouse. Anyhow, no matter how you claim it the science is not yet sound enough for one to use a screwdriver to remove their own or another person’s legs.

The counterpoint my inner child has the reasoning I have given goes as such. My grandfather was for close to 50 years a neurosurgeon. That means he was a brain surgeon. When people say, “it’s not brain surgery,” nine times out of ten to my grandfather it actually was. He had a medical degree that set him apart from the common know it all or today’s WebMD sites. So to a small child like myself at the time it made perfect sense. Grandpa was a doctor, he knew things about the body I could not even comprehend. Even as I got older it still scared me a little because I could easily see the connection between the legs and belly button when I pulled part GI Joe figures. Their legs literally were attached to their body by a rubber band. That rubber band could in fact be removed from the body with a screwdriver. The first time I did it I believe ended up running around the house yelling, “GRANDPA WAS RIGHT! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL HOLY AND GOOD IN THE WORLD GRANDPA WAS RIGHT!” I mean when I was 6 how in the hell was I to know that I was not just a rubber band connected to a hook in my stomach. (Yes, there were many ways to know that. Shut up, brain. I am trying to write.) 

As you can see what I was told as kid affected me greatly, so much so that recently I used the same phony treat on my own nephew. Out of nowhere we were talking about me punching him in the face and him retuning said punch to my own face. This is no reason to call child services. It is a rarity if either of us is actually punched in the face. When it does happen it is only hard enough to rattle teeth, not loosen them. The point is while I we were having this perfectly normal argument I inadvertently said out loud, “I am going to go get my screwdriver and then use it to unscrew your belly button and make your legs fall off.” The shared look of surprise on both my nephew’s and I’s faces was rather haunting. He had never heard me say such a thing. I had never intended to say such a thing to him. Like any time a child cusses it just slipped out. 

So, you can only imagine now the images running through my nephew’s head. For reference his favorite show is Disney’s Doc McStuffins.

A show about a young girl who can bring toys to life so that she may diagnose and treat their aliments. The show is a good one but because it uses the power of imagination my nephew had probable cause to both understand and enact my threat. His little mind could see the practical application of a screwdriver being used to remove the legs of a person or toy. I mean honestly Doc McStuffins does such things all the times. One of the medical tools her playset comes with is a screwdriver. As I watched him process what I said I thought to myself, “oh crap, he is going to believe and even use the threat against me.” Nothing came from the conversation. Everything passed without conflict or loss of life and/or limb. I figured it was a onetime thing and there was no further need to worry. I was by all accounts the guy from a horror film who knows the monster on the loose and still goes out to check on a noise. No worries, I’ll be right back. Yeah, that guy.

A week or so passed and again my nephew and I were playing. I told him he needed to clean up and go to the dinner table. He, being three, started to whine and fake cry (two skills he has mastered). Out of nowhere again I made the bellybutton threat. My nephew stopped whining, looked me in the eye, and laughed. He then proceeded to go to his doctor station and remove his screwdriver. He walked over to me and proceeded to attack my bellybutton. I being bigger and strong quickly took the screw driver out of his hand and turned the attack on him. This went on for short while until we were both told to come to the table. The point is that he had put two and two together and figured out that it was equal to any threat I made, he could use himself. He could use a screwdriver to remove my bellybutton just as I could do it to him. The kid, as always, is too damn smart for his own good. 

This back and forth bellybutton war did not end with the one incident. 

Later in the week when my nephew did not like what I had to say at the table pointed at me and proceeded to make claims on my bellybutton. We went back and forth in a normal argumentative fashion. I was going to get my screwdriver, he was going to get his screwdriver. I was going to remove his bellybutton, he was going to remove my bellybutton. I was going to make his legs fall off, he was going to make my legs fall off. It went on and on for some time. We spoke at large volumes with pointed fingers and a smile most of the time. 

All and all the point I am making is that we need to be careful with what he talk to kids about. Not so much in the way to shield or protect them, but more so that we don’t wake up in the middle of the night with a plastic screwdriver hovering about our midsections and a small child laughing wickedly in the dark. Something like that will disprove to your kids that you are not supposed to pee in the bed. 

Please be aware of what you talk to your talks about. Be aware of the silly jokes you were told when you were young. Remember and reuse the odd ball facts and stories you were regaled with. The only reason we know so much about where we came from is because for generations we shared the stories of where we had been. 

Make a habit to share with your kids or the kids you are around the most. They will laugh as you once did. They might even prove to be smarter that you were at age. It depends on how much imagination you pour into the batch. You can never use too much, the purpose is to share not to perfect. Talk with your kids, even if it is to remind them you still have screwdriver and you still know how to remove belly buttons.