Random Arguments with a Toddler: T-Rex Politics

Here for you enjoyment is this week’s Random Argument with a Toddler 

Over dinner, I was told by my associated brother (again may or may not be the oldest man in history) that my tiny faced nephew had something interesting to say on his way home from daycare. Apparently he was concerned that when he got home my T-Rex was going to eat all of his cars. It was at this point the argument began.

“Oh, is that, so Tiny Face?” I asked. A look of inquisitive dissonance painted across my face.”

“Yeah, your T-Rex is going to eat all the cars. Your orange T-Rex… will pick them up and eat them…RAAAAAAAAWWWWWR!” answered Tiny Face. He was eating, so most of his words were filled with the sound of chewing food. He is also very animated, meaning that his hand swung around a lot grabbing and crushing imaginary cars out of the air.

“Oh, I see, good to know,” I said.

“RAWR!” retorted Tiny Face.

The argument ended here so that we might all continue with dinner. This is most important for Tiny Face as he likes to play while eating. If I can do my part by not distracting him, then I am properly doing my job as his associated uncle. Not that he cannot distract himself (he is excellent at it) he just needs to focus while he is eating.

As is the habit right now in the house Tiny Face is the first to finish his meal. He is smaller and thus does not eat as much. Though when he does eat he can eat his fill. Point being is that he is done first and thus is the first to leave the table. This typically prompts him to ask this question.

“Can I have a lollipop?”

Now this is a learned behavior. In the house when the Tiny Face finishes dinner he gets either a candy or a lollipop (yes lollypops are candy, shut up, he’s three). This is so familiar that he started to assume that he would get a candy after every meal he finished. Breakfast, “can I have a lollipop!” Lunch, “can I have a candy?” Dinner, “can I have a lollipop and candy?” I do not agree with this practice because a kid does not need to be given a reward for doing something as common as eating. Also giving kids candy as a reward all the time defeats the purpose and can cause bigger issues when they are older. I am not the parent, and thus I cannot set the rules.(I digress, and yes will cover this ideology in another post later next week.)

Moving on, the kid finished his meal and asked for his lollypop. He was told to wait until we were all done. He pretended to be busy with the dog until his mother got up from the table. This action meant to Tiny Face that she was done, and so he again asked for this lollypop (see the connection I am making to my ranting? Sneaky, sneaky). Tiny Face got his lollypop and was immediately told to go sit down in the living room while he ate it.

Later, I finished my dinner and proceeded to clean up the table a little before moving into the living room. When I went to sit down, I found Tiny Face seated in one of the two recliners. His face was grave and a little zoned out as he continued to eat his lollypop. Think of it as someone crossing a road and trying not to step on any cracks out of respect for their mama’s back.

“My T-Rex is going to beat your T-Rex up,” said Tiny Face, still eating his lollipop.

“No, my T-Rex is going to punch your T-Rex in the face,” I said in return.

“My T-Rex has a sword… and, and he is going to cut your T-Rex up,” countered Tiny Face.

“My T-Rex has a laser gun, and he is gonna shoot your T-Rex. PEW PEW PEW PEW!” I argued.

“Well my aliens are going to come down and blow up all your T-Rexes and dinosaurs,” said Tiny Face’s older brother from the corner of the room.

“NO! That’s not fair!” yelled Tiny Face successfully ended the side argument with his brother.

“Okay good to know. My T-Rex is going to use your T-Rex’s sword and cut him up into little pieces,” I said putting the conversation back on track.

“No, you can’t do that,” said Tiny Face, desperately trying to win the fight.

“Oh really, well after my T-Rex cuts your T-Rex to pieces with a snick, snack, JEDI! My T-Rex is going to your T-Rex’s house, and he is going to eat your T-Rex’s car. Then he is going to take over his house. Then he is going to steal your T-Rex’s girlfriend,” I said trying to drive the point home.

“NO, YOU CAN’T!” cried Tiny Face. “My T-Rex is going to turn into a plane and blow your T-Rex up.”

“ now? Fine, my T-Rex is a bunch of Velociraptors in a T-Rex suit. They break free of their disguise and start to swarm your T-Rex in a pack.”

“No!”

 “They pounce on him.”

“No!”

“They rend the flesh from his bones.”

“NO!”

“They feast upon his guts and eat all his candy.”

“NOOOO!”

“They marry his girlfriend.”

“No.”

“They buy her a beautiful house and have six kids.”

“No!”

“They celebrate him on his birthday with a cake made from his bones!”

“NOOOOOO!”

“They… END HIM!”

“Nooooooooooooo!”

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!”

I tend to get worked up when I know I have him beaten. This, however, allows for Tiny Face to move without being noticed. This case was no different. I shouted out my victory for all in the house to hear so that they may know how mighty I am. Tiny Face used this to his advantage.

He somehow used telepathy to connect to the mind of his father calling out for help. I don’t have kids, so I don’t know how this works. I do know that my associated brother had entered the living room with a collection of bags he was preparing for Tiny Face’s upcoming overnight. Tiny Face himself had gotten out of his seat and was slowly creeping around me. I did not see this as I tend to throw back my head with evil laughter after defeating a child in a game of words.

“Hey Tiny Face, I think I know why you can’t find your screwdriver,” my associated brother said as he pulled from Tiny Face’s backpack a plastic screwdriver.

This is how Tiny Face tried to win the argument. He knew he did not have the words nor the knowledge of dinosaur society to defeat me. He did, however, understand the simple concept of fear. Seeing the plastic tool in my brother’s hand and the wicked smile on Tiny Face’s face I knew what was coming.

“Don’t you give that to him!” I cried out.

“Why not?” said my brother.

“Cause you know why!” I shouted back.

Tiny Face however had already taken the tool and now was moving in my general direction with a quickness. I being an adult got up from the chair and covered my bellybutton. I took the needed number of steps to the stairs, nodded an imaginary hat, and started making my decent to safety.

As I reached the bottom level I could hear the collective laughter of both Tiny Face and his father. It sounded like jerks, no judgement, but it did sound like two jerks. They laughed at what they had done. I went to my room. Argument over.

This ends this week’s Random Arguments with a Toddler. Join me next week as I most likely will write about how punching babies is this generation’s new anger management tool. Till then keep your kids happy, and your bellybuttons attached.